I welcomed my baby with “No Happy” tears

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After 5 years of happy, as imagined, prosperous, healthy, wealthy marriage we decided to share our love with a 3rd human being. The decision was not taken in a hurry but undoubtedly I had scary dreams of suffering from pain & lying alone on a hospital bed. Till that time all Karan Johar and Yash Chopra movies were making sense to me that how important a baby is and how she changes your life. How this new creature will bring in utter shower of happiness in everybody’s life. The day I conceived I thought my life will now be a Karan Johar movie. I will be pampered to moon and will be the princess mom to be. All that happened & finally came the moment of truth – my delivery due date. I was supposed to be the happiest person on earth but no such feeling , not even forcefully ran through my head.

As soon as I entered the hospital my heart started coming to my mouth. The moment I reached the maternity ward, I felt like my blood will burst out of my veins. Doctor came , saw my reports and asked to me to get ready. Everyone (my mum, my hubby, my father) moved out of the room. I was there alone , I started crying, I felt like I am going to die. My big tummy which everyone was caressing till now with all the warmth was looking scary to me in the mirror. I controlled my not so good emotions and got ready for the shots (induce injections). I was shifted to my private room and a tinge of fresh air touched me as soon as I saw my husband. I was asked to do certain things and wait for the pain to start. From morning 7:00 am till evening 7:00 pm me and my whole family was waiting for those pains to happen. I was loosing hope and was preparing myself for a c-section which I never wanted to happen. In between all these hours different doctors visited and checked me in all the possible ways to see the opening of my cervix. With every check up I used to pray to God – Spare me!! Why the hell I decided to have a baby. And then suddenly I started feeling that much awaited- pain. I thought It’s OK ,can be handled but I think I was the most foolish person on earth at that moment who got that shitty thought in that new mommy brain. The pain got so intense that I started begging for a c- sec (which I never wanted to happen , all my 9 months I was googling ways how to avoid c-sec). My doctors denied. They were sure of a normal delivery and I bloody was sure I am on a death bed. I started hating everybody in that room as no one was ready the share the pain I was dealing with. And then came that moment when I actually decided that I have to deal with it alone and have to finish asap.

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I was in labour room only with doctors and nurses ,for whom I was just one more subject of the day. They were gossiping about the canteen food and were asking me to push so that they can go and have their food as they are very hungry. I thought of kicking their ass with a baseball bat. With lots of hard work finally my baby came and as seen in movies I was supposed to be in tears of joy but for me reality was a far cry. I, with no emotions asked the doctor what is it? She said “A Girl” and I just helped myself relax on that death bed. My baby was brought to me by the same hungry nurse with a big smile. I saw the baby and then the nurse said ” Aapki beti hui hai lijiye” and I replied ” My husband and mum are outside go give the baby to them.” The nurse was so surprised that she thought I am angry as It’s a girl child. She went outside and I asked the doctor how much time It will take for me to go out of this room. Doctor was happy as the child was healthy and so was I. She was trying to crack jokes while putting those stitches but I was still in a state of shock. I was sent to my room. Everyone was happy except me. I had no emotions . My baby was with my mum. And I was trying to sleep after almost 24 hours of labor fight but the horrific pain journey could not even allow me to sleep. I was not at all feeling that happiness of delivering our heartbeat. I was fighting alone with my pain and fear. After 2-3 hours finally the nurse came to me and asked to feed the baby. Then was the time of lord when I saw & took hold of my baby and tried feeding her. That was “THE MOMENT” for me ,when I realized what was that pain worth of. All my pains, fears, boundaries collapsed. That tiny mouth, tiny fingers, closed eyes took over all the bad memories of a day before and made me in minutes a mother who can do anything for her tiny love. That was the time when I realized how hard I worked to create this healthy human ( being a hypothyroid and gestational diabetes patient all through 9 months). After 1 day when this baby of mine with whom I was having no emotions attached when was born ,went for her blood tests and I started crying like a kid who is forced to go to school. Haha!!

” It just took that moment to create that bond with my angel “

My daughter is now 4 and is actually our heartbeat. Initially In my 1st year of parenthood when I used to recall those hours of detachment when I delivered her I felt guilty . I thought I was a bad, selfish mother. How could I think about my pain and didn’t even look at the beautiful creature who fought equally to come to this world. But with time I realized that this can happen. Human emotions are different for different people. I could not behave like 50% of the mothers who immediately got connected to their babies. I took few hours, some can take few days but ultimately that bond is established which is irreplaceable. There is no relationship as exquisite, amorous & unadulterated as a Mother – baby bond.

Cherish the bond!!

Love !!!

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